²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

Forgot to take my journal back from camp. But nevertheless, this is written here so I’d remember: no other reason other than Christ am I here today.

I thought about teaching what I knew about playing the guitar. But after several months, I still haven’t got down to doing it. I always waited and expected that moment when all those who were keen would be available on a common day and common time to learn.

But, I was wrong.

Of course, I won’t be crazy and do house visits just to teach, but I will maximise my day offs from camp to impart to those who are genuinely sincere (superlative lol) in learning!

Same goes for my finances and skills that God has blessed my hands with. If He isn’t worth giving my all, then who or what else is?

As I left for practice on friday night, I was at a completely loss of what to do during practice because I haven’t practised the songs on my own at all, and worse still, I haven’t even heard some of the songs on my mp3 at all. In other words, I don’t know my parts AT ALL.

Honestly, after first service, I was a wreck inside. Part of me was thinking “What in the world am I doing on stage?!” and yet part of me was still fighting “Nevermind, just stick through it.”

Thankfully, I had an unexpected time off today from camp and I really thought through my weekend. I think I have no talent for music, but I know music is one of God’s way to connect to our souls in a profound manner, at least that is true for me.

I might not play the most complicated of chords, improvise with the most sweet-sounding scales… but all I know is that every note I play is my expression of my heart to God.

Success is not measured by how many types of scales I can play, or how people applaud the improvisation of scales I did, or how many people come up to me and say “Hey you played well, I was ministered!” Those are merely mile markers, rewards of success. I mistook them for success, and no wonder I was in for discouragement.

Success is when I stay faithful to God’s initial calling. He knows I’ll falter, but all He wants me is to stick to what He purposed me to do, and He is well pleased with that. Looking back, I started out this “guitar thing” because I believed it was a great skill to minister to others when I went on a missions trip. And I think wherever I am right now is just a stage of moulding… He ain’t done with me (and my fingers), that’s for sure.

We may be stuck in a seemingly impossible situation right now… “Oh, I can’t do this” or “I can’t do that…” but there will not be any wasted moments in God’s eyes. He ain’t done with ya yet! (like He’s not done with me) He does not promise that I will not fall, but He promises that I will find my contentment in Him when I stick to His calling.

It’s unlike transferring to a new group, or having a new shepherd or leader. Chances are, I’ll be seeing them a lot lesser than I’d like to…

I know they say ‘real men shed blood but not tears’, but I’d think real men have the courage to shed tears for the things/people they truly cherish.

I was at a loss for words during the time of affirmation last night. For someone who has given his entire life, his time, his efforts, soul, spirit and strength to me,  how do you sum that all up within say, 5 minutes? 5 minutes, 1 hour, words do no justice.

It just feels like a huge part of my life suddenly disappeared. But it is true too, that if no one ever moves on, then chances are, we never grew in maturity for bigger things God has in store for us.

What I’ve learnt from your life, I will always remember. You gave, even when it hurts, even when it’s lonely to, even when it meant giving up things in life, even when no one bothered to, even when it seemed futile, even when no one appreciated, even when no one would notice, even when it brought tears to your eyes and your heart breaks.

When we pour out our lives into others, till we run dry and we break, we can know for sure that God will fill us again.

Thank you for imparting your spirit to me. It is something, no grades, no money, no achievement can purchase. Thank you, apinun!

this is what's on my desktop right now.

it’s supposed to be a full-stop after ‘faithfulness’ in the original verse. but if I were to claim that verse in my life right now, I’d want it to be an exclaimation mark instead.

I was listening to “i will rise” by chris tomlin just now. the initial verses were really melancholic and stuff, I was pretty turned off when it hit the higher parts subsequently. I wondered “that starting part would have made any tough guy cry!”

and then I realised, it wasn’t meant to be an emo song,

it was a song of victory.

Breaking 10 pencils.
Exercise till the point of exhaustion.
Shouting while standing on the henderson wave bridge.
Sleeping my worries away. (I felt terrible after a 2-hour nap)
Go up to someone and tell them to shut up. (now people think I love them when I say shut up to them lol)
Doing retail therapy.
.
.
.

Giving up.

I might not have you, you and you by my side right now. But I know there’s Someone who’s cheering me on every step. No matter how painful, no matter how unbearable, no matter how much sweat it’s going to take, no matter how unsightly my struggling might be, no matter how slowly I may go, no matter how I may stop for a quick break, no matter how I self-talk myself into despair, no matter how people may criticize how weak I am, no matter how people may give up on me,

He will not and He never will.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:15-16

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

Martha Snell Nicholson

If I can say no to temptation today, I stand a chance to stand up against it another day. But if I give in today, it’s going to be a lot harder to say no the next time round.

“When you and I hurt deeply, what we really need is not an explanation from God but a revelation of God. We need to see how great God is; we need to recover our lost perspective on life. Things get out of proportion when we are suffering, and it takes a vision of something bigger than ourselves to get life’s dimensions adjusted again.“

Warren W. Wiersbe

“The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savour of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness.“

Watchman Nee

In the hour of need, in the moment of pain, in the midst of frustration and struggle… that’s when the heat’s turned up and God moulds and removes the impurities.

So, when I find myself struggling, I remember that each moment when I struggle is my worship unto God, too. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

I unconsciously place heavy baggages on myself over time, so why am I complaining when God’s stripping me of what I don’t need?