Though I realised how cui my life can sometimes be, I’m so grateful for the many blessings God has rained in my life (and in others’ lives too!) It’s been so crazy, and God has been so good. Looking back on the past weeks, I’ve really been struggling (felt like I had been leopard crawling all the time, ouch!) but all these were for His purpose.

I have a particular bunkmate whom I was pretty annoyed by. Sometimes sinful james tries to avoid him a little to have some peace. (yes i’m sorry!! ) then one day, this bunkmate of mine had to stay back after work to do overtime. It’s pretty unusual ’cause he usually books out immediately after work and he has never had his  dinner in camp. So… God arranged a crazy dinner encounter for the both of us. During dinner, I shared to him about what being in church and having God in my life was about. I can’t exactly remember what I said, but I was pretty sure I told him what God could offer that no one could in my life. His constant presence, friendships that were centred on God and not on mutual benefit and lastly, contentment.

I don’t know how much impact that made, but I never thought I could share Christ so openly with this guy! I really pray that someday, God will open that door for him to experience God himself.

I’m also grateful for a sheep that is mature in his thoughts, one who is rational in making decisions for God. To be honest, I had this fear before meeting him, fear of living up to people’s expectations, fear of destroying what others have built up, fear of not being able to relate… but God dispelled these fears and we had a good time of sharing about our lives (which I realised, are pretty similar!) I look forward to what God can use me to impart to him as well as learning from my own sheep.

Anyway, while I was at work a couple of days ago, most of the people in my department were having an off day so I had to issue some training equipment to 22 personnels alone. Each set of equipment consisted of so many different item of various sizes so I had a tough time sorting through the sizes and nominal roll of the involved people. But… thank God this dude who previously received the equipment helped me with the issuing to the rest! It wasn’t even his job to help me yet he decided to help anyway and that made the job a lot easier. God sent a timely helper!

Lastly, I’m so thankful that this particular friend has taken one step closer to God. I’ve been fasting and praying for him daily, in hope that God would allow events to occur in his life so that he may be aware of God’s presence in his life. Though it may not have been the perfect ending, I’m just grateful his heart has been softened. The pain, the temptations and the tears were truly worth it.

God, thank You for everything. I give thanks for the good times and the bad times, for I know I’m held in Your perfect plan.

You know how some corporate organisations are considering/implementing servant leadership into their organisations?

Then, what’s so different about Christian service?

“May I become at all times, both now and forever
A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need.”

Anonymous

“The cost of true greatness is humble, selfless, sacrificial service. The Christian who desires to be great and first in the kingdom is the one who is willing to serve in the hard place, the uncomfortable place, the lonely place, the demanding place, the place where he is not appreciated and may even be persecuted. Knowing that time is short and eternity is long, he is willing to spend and be spent. He is willing to work for excellence without becoming proud, to withstand criticism without becoming bitter, to be misjudged without becoming defensive, and to withstand suffering without succumbing to self pity.”

John MacArthur

“If you serve others for the reward of gaining their admiration and gratitude, then your reward will be fleeting and ultimately dissastisfying. If you serve others for the reward of bringing pleasure to your Father God’s heart as you work side by side with him, then you will gain eternal rewards.”

Anonymous

“Lord, I renounce my desire for human praise, for the approval of my peers, the need for public recognition. I deliberately put these aside today, content to hear you whisper, “Well done, my faithful servant.” Amen”

Anonymous

Dear Friend,

I don’t think I’d have the opportunity to say this to you, but I’ll post it here anyhow as it serves as a reminder for myself.

I have failed as a friend, to provide the encouragement, appreciation, listening ear and a shoulder for you to cry on. I’d have written more encouragement notes for you, so that they can be timely to lift your spirits up. I’d have been silent and hear you pour out your sorrows over coffee. I’d have thanked you more frequently for your service towards me.

I have never meant for those words to agitate you for the sake of annoying you. Because I believed God would have wanted to hear from you but you probably wouldn’t have given Him the time to talk to you and listen to you. I only hoped for those words to prompt you to reconsider certain decisions you were going to make. But I am sorry, I think I have failed to put it across gently and in a loving manner.

I know it’s too late to apologise now that we’ve come to such a situation. I know this relationship may possibly be never restored to what it was before, but I believe God will surely restore things in our hearts.

I’d only pray that you know that I have genuinely cried for you many times, fasted for you many times, prayed for you many times and have been heartbroken many times. Not so that I may boast of my sacrifices, but to let you know beyond all the things you disagree with me doing…

I still loved you.

-

God, tonight I am on my knees with tears streaming down my cheek. The hurt was so deep there were no words on my mouth but only moans and groans as Your Spirit interceded for me. In the end, I can only imagine how much You loved us.

I pray that someday he will find You again. But, today will not be the day. It may not even be tomorrow, in fact, I may never have a chance to see that day. But Lord, let Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

…when everything goes terribly wrong.

I couldn’t do what I had planned to do. I had to put up with certain people. I sat and sometimes stood there, along with many others, for hours waiting for nothing to happen. I came home and realised that sometimes there’s just not a lot I can do…

It’s those kind of days when I’ve to sit before God like a child and listen to what He has to say about my life. But honestly, right now, I feel like a frustrated, short-fused and rebellious brat that’s demanding an answer for all that’s happened.

God, what can I do?

Today has been a day of breakthroughs.

#1 I just did the most unimaginable thing this morning. I had a dream last night and I felt pretty confused when I woke up. I could either 1) get absurdly angry with the individual I dreamt about or 2) know that God is prompting me about my hurts. So I chose to have faith and believe in God that I needed a breakthrough with a particular relationship. I took out my phone and I typed this word-for-word:

“good morning dad. i just want to say i love you and i’m learning to treasure you more. have a blessed day. see you tonight”

Now, that wasn’t anything special. But trust me, I wouldn’t harbour such a thought a couple of years back. As you know, I’m not an expressive person, neither is my dad, and I think I sort of took him for granted. (okay, I did) I’m the typical male who doesn’t say mushy stuff (wonder how I’ll ever say ‘I love you’ to my girlfriend…) and my dad is the typical male who doesn’t reveal his soft side. Anyway, I kept away all the hurts over the years and I knew God wanted me to give it up, take a step forward. So I woke up this morning on my bed crying and guess what? My bunkmate caught me tearing! (SO PAISEH.) Thank God he was like,’ eh you ok? wanna see MO?’ I think he thought I had a bad flu or something haha.

Anyway, God tore down a huge chunk of the wall I’ve built up around my heart… you know what? I think I just took a major turning point in my walk with God. Let the healing begin, let my life be rebuilt.

Moving on to #2…

#2 I saw discipleship in another light and I really need to re-evaluate the way mentoring is done. At the end of it all, what I really want to do is to build people who are strong and will last the distance. No man-made system is perfect but all of us can do our best to help one another grow in our walk with God.

Man, I really had my eyes open wide today. I’m pretty sure things won’t be the same again from this point onwards, and I pray God will teach me His ways more and more daily

I went to prayer meet with my caregroup with sore fingers after practising worship songs last night. I haven’t had a chance to play my guitar on a daily basis since I don’t bring it to camp, so my fingers were stiff and the calluses were gone :/ It’s pretty bulky and unwise to bring it on sunday nights and bring it back on friday evening especially with a backpack full of laundry.

So anyway, I was praying last night that God would help me minister, because it came to a point that my fingers were too sore to press the strings. I also had no idea how it would all turn out…

But thank God! I enjoyed worship today, and God really challenged me to use dynamics in my playing especially when we sang The More I Seek You more meditatively, but at the same time hit a high on the song Everything. I’m pretty certain the Spirit led because I thought worship transited smoothly and I was ministered!

You know something, at the end of the day, our own abilities and skills may fall short… but God never fails to make it up. Sore fingers, late nights and sweat… it’s all worth it yeah!

And now, to give my fingers a well-deserved break

Surely there is something that is broken in my family (and it’s not me), there’s something that is broken in my caregroup (and it’s not me again).

I think I can go on pushing the blame onto others forever. But really, I think it takes a whole lot of guts to admit that the problem lies with me, in me and the problem is… well, me. Honestly, there are many obvious cracks in my wall, but I’ve been neglecting them.

I’ve had enough of this and that in my family and in my caregroup. I’ve been asking ‘why won’t this person change and this and that.’ But I’ve failed to ask whether I might have a part in all of these, especially since situations haven’t been improving because I haven’t made any changes on my part… Sometimes, I think I ought to be a little more direct and ruthlessly honest with myself:

Dear James,

You are an arrogant snob, calculative and unforgiving. Please re-examine, thanks.

With lots of love (rather, self-love),
James

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

God, there are areas in my life that needs to be rebuilt. Help me to be humble to realise my flaws yet have faith to believe that it can be done. I must have a breakthrough!

-

Anyway, I really wanna thank God for the opportunity to spend time with the dudes in my caregroup this wednesday! I think we’ve all learned that we can do more than just ‘caregroup events’ week in, week out. We’re more than just people we do bible study with, take holy communion together with and worship with. We can have some serious fun together too!

We woke up early and headed to ECP for cycling where we cycled till our butts kai hua-ed. We cycled to Fort Road then till the end of ECP where we could actually see the airport runway! We then had lunch and had some sharing about our ideal girl (-coughs these dudes have weird preferences -coughs) and stuff. (stuff referring to playing pool and lan together later, have dinner together and go for prayer meet at metamorphosis haha)

But most importantly, I think we’ve grown to trust one another more. We’re more than friends in church, we’re friends beyond the four walls of church too! We don’t have to walk alone in this journey with God, that’s why God gave us a friends to rely and walk along with! I pray that we’ll grow in God together, learn to serve together and build bonds that will last for an eternity.

We’ll lay down our lives for one another, because Christ set an example for us.

“I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.”

Mother Teresa

I thought today’s sermon really struck a chord in me. The first point spoke to me so much on the relationships I have right now. Learning to be grateful for good relationships is easy but I realised that it is, indeed so much tougher to give thanks for a difficult relationship.

And God just spoke to me about all the hurt I’ve been storing up, hidden away from even myself sometimes. I really needed to move on from these things, and I think the way I can surrender these hurts is to have a grateful heart towards God; because He gave me these relationships for a very good purpose.

So here goes my personal version of ‘10 Things I learned from ________.’

#1 Loving means being completely vulnerable to the opposite party. The risk is high, but so is the payoff. It means I’ve to readily accept times when I’d be hurt, but also savour the times when the relationship has a breakthrough.

#2 Not everyone, in fact, no one deserves to be loved or is particularly lovable, but love anyway because it’s the right thing to do; because I’m undeservingly loved by others too and by God.

#3 Sometimes, the time and effort invested in this person seemingly go to waste… especially so when he/she makes the wrong decisions and calls in life but nevertheless, God is still in control.

#4 The hurt and disappointment sometimes can become overwhelming, but the strangest yet most effective solution is to pray and intercede for them – not so much to convince God to help them, but to allow God to help us release the hurt to Him.

#5  Freedom and peace in heart is found when I choose to forgive them; not only because they ask for it, but to keep my heart soft and receptive to God.

#6 Respect is earned, but honour is given out of choice.

#7 Stop and give careful consideration to what others might say. I might actually be wrong.

#8 Success, achievements, recognition and wealth must never take centre stage in my life – they are only temporary.

#9 Overpowering them into submission or apology never works, and it usually backfires, badly. I must allow the Holy Spirit to give me a humbled heart to submit to them instead.

#10 It’s alright to fail to love them at times, but it’s not alright to give up. No matter how much it costs, no matter how many nights I might spend crying and heartbroken over the way I’ve been hurt… I must not give up. No, because Jesus has been hurt countless times by me before I found Him, and He hasn’t stopped getting hurt by me, how then can I give up on others?

I believe that healing will take place when the heart genuinely learns to give thanks for the people whom it has been hurt by. Gotta move on to the next level!

I found myself grunting and highly irritable since saturday morning. I never really found out why either. I woke up on sunday having a bad flu and once again, totally annoyed at everyone and everything. As my fingers worked their way on the keyboard and my eyes fixed on the cursor, I finally realised the reason behind all these unexplained irritability.

I’m having puberty again! (and hence the mood swings?)

-

It dawned upon me today that my saturdays are free again from next weekend onwards. I’d have shaken off friday evening rehearsals as well. That’s a lot more free time per week! I started thinking about giving tuition, making some dough and all that very superficial ideas about satisfying my long list of wants.

Then I felt very guilty about something. If I were to look back one day after I’ve completed my NS, can I confidently say that I’ve done something significant and not merely doing my share of NS liability? If I were to go for an interview for med, would I be able to tell them that my actions backed up all my talk about ‘oh, caring for others, serving the underprivileged blah blah yadda yadda…’?

It’s a great thing to be involved in ministry. It’s great to lead people and mentor them as they go through the same stages of life that we’ve been through. But isn’t it too, a great thing to meet needs of the people beyond the four walls of the church building…? Can I do something for the unchurched that will make a tangible impact/effect on their lives and in my society…?

It’s about time I opened my eyes to see the world beyond. Is there something my eyes have missed amongst the hustle and bustle of life?

Signs & symptoms of a busy person that gets no business done:

#1 there are so many things & concerns going through my mind, I don’t even know where to begin.
#2 I think I’m the only person who has the solution to my problems.
#3 there’s a perpetual sense of hurry to keep going and not stop, regardless of time of the day.
#4 anyone who talks to me is the devil’s advocate because they’re standing in the way.
#5 after much worry, nothing gets done because I spent too much time sulking and complaining.

At the end of it all, I find myself terribly worn out and the to-do list never seemed to diminish the slightest bit. I find myself regretting the words I’ve spoken and the things I did to others. The unceasing demands of life and pressure from peers can be suffocating at times.

‘Oh, I’m doing this… what? You haven’t made any plans yet? Won’t it be too late? I mean, everyone’s doing it now!’ ‘Oh, I’m buying this so-and-so product, I thought you’re interested too, so aren’t you getting it soon?’ ‘Be still and listen to my voice, my child.’ ‘Hey, let’s go catch a movie some time soon’ ‘Oh, let’s head down to town tomorrow!’ ‘Are you making preparations for your university application?’

God, I failed to make the best of the days You have given me. God, I have been hypocritical and selfish.

Teach me Your ways.